Wanking Simulator Review
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Wanking Simulator – Worth the build up?

Finally, it is time to ‘Jack the beanstalk’, you know ‘clean your rifle’, or how do you say it ‘play the old skin flute‘… Either way you say it, it all adds up to one thing — WANKING SIMULATOR. The big question is does it live up to IRL Wanking? Lets find out!

Wanking Simulator Review

Now usually I would try my hardest to look towards positives, in a game even if I don’t find it fun or stimulating. I do understand that the developers are dedicating a part of their life bringing us these games, and that should be honored, however WANKING SIMULATOR falls short in many, many ways as a fun and entertaining game, which is a shame.

For the best part of a year I have been imagining little Chris causing chaos around a town while ejaculating on pictures of Shaun… Wait, that may of been real life?! Anyway, WANKING SIMULATOR allows you to take on the persona of a man named Winston Gay, (yep Gay, hilarious!) in a town called Gay Bay. (Again, hold the fucking applause, the jokes are getting HUGE).

Wanking Simulator Review

The objective of WANKING SIMULATOR is to go around a small sandbox world that consists of a school, church, and a number of houses, all whilst creating as much chaos as possible and then score points by ‘pulling your pork’ all over said chaos. There is some very basic special (cum) abilities to unlock and the objectives feel very boring with no point. The game essentially has you just punching beefy transvestites, skinny cops, and endlessly blowing up cars via punching the shit out of them. The only thing that might be entertaining or a bit of a laugh is the first 30 seconds watching the ragdoll effect of punching people flying through the air. But as I mentioned, after 30 seconds of this it becomes mundane, boring, and not funny at all, quite unlike masturbating IRL.

One thing that really let me down is that with a name like WANKING SIMULATOR, it should be pushing the boundaries in every way it can, but it just doesn’t; Remember when Saints Row 3 came out and you were smashing people up with huge purple dildos? Surely it wouldn’t be too hard to push boundaries in Wanking Simulator — For example, why not after you smoke LSD in game, you turn into a massive vagina and all the people turn into penises? Forcing you to hunt everyone down in the town and devour them before the time runs out and you start to bleed? Fuck knows! At the bare minimum show the bloke ‘pumping his stump‘, not just a hand that looks like its furiously punching himself in his balls through his boxer shorts.

I was surprised that on Steam it had a highly positive review score especially coming with a $15 price tag, but upon investigation I seen that the majority of people had played the game for all under an hour, even with some returning the game entirely.

Either way, this game hasn’t got much chop and after about an hour you will be done with it, for good. It just lives off of its name and in no way pushes boundaries like it should. I suppose if you were a 8 year old kid then maybe this game would hold your excitement for a little bit longer, but I highly doubt it. So was it worth the build up? absolutely not; I got closer to climaxing watching the discovery channel!

  • 37%
    GRAPHICS - 37%
  • 15%
    AUDIO - 15%
  • 20%
    GAMEPLAY - 20%


Does Wanking Simulator live up to its name? Absolutely not. Is it at least a good simulation game? To be honest, it does a pretty shit-house job of that too. To put it simply, If you feel the need to have a wank, just go do it!

Jimmy Lindsay

Written by Jimmy Lindsay

Now he's getting a tattoo. Yeah he's gettin' ink done.
He asked for a '13' but they drew a '31'.